By the time Lee visited Thomas, an ombudsman, to request a mediation, he was frustrated and confused. Sandy, Lee’s valued employee, had approached Lee regarding a conflict she was having with a co-worker that she described as bullying. Lee had taken a conflict class and knew mediation is one way to get the two employees together, if they agree, for a discussion. However, Lee wasn’t sure that mediation was the right “tool” in this case, so he wanted advice. Thomas, as good conflict professionals do, asked a few high level questions to get started, and was prepared to listen before recommending anything. Right away, a familiar picture emerged when Lee pulled out the legal pad with plenty of notes. Indeed, the flipping back and forth between pages of notes made Thomas wonder what Lee must have looked like because he was conducting an inquiry instead of listening. Moreover, Lee could not answer basic questions and was very confused about what had occurred between the employees, and what Sandy’s goals were to move forward.
Despite many well-intentioned training and intervention efforts to help leaders deal with conflict, there is a vital piece missing: how to take notes and still be present as you are listening. For the past 20 plus years as Alternative Dispute Conflict practitioners (primarily working as ombudsman, conflict coaches, and mediators), we’ve helped rebuild thousands of workplace relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about how to conduct an initial intake that launches everyone into sorting through the issues underpinning conflict. We examined what we do differently to resolve issues, and we created the S.O.R.T.E.D Model based on our real work. We learned that leaders are rushing to solve interpersonal conflict problems, focusing on top-level positions that are quickly and emotionally articulated, without taking the necessary time to discover underlying interests or needs.
Our model, meant to both capture and simplify complex conflict conversations, encourages you to be open to perspective, with a wildly curious mindset, taking the time to be in the moment yet still have enough useful notes remember. It begins with this mindset: the very first step, where an employee comes to you, is to just allow the employee to tell you their own perspective without judgement or “legalistic” rigor. Instead, start this way: “Ok, let’s begin by you telling me your perspective about what has happened. I’m going to capture just a few bullets as we go along so that I can both listen but remember what is important as you talk.” Using the S.O.R.T.E.D framework, you’ll have a much greater chance to capture and remember the information you need to do some reflective thinking later and then co-create next steps. We are calling for purposeful conversations that may initially seem like they will take too much time, but are surprisingly efficient. We think a little structure helps.
So, capture in separate sections, using their own perspective, what is:
S = Supportable
- There is evidence—e-mails, witnessed, documentation, on social media
- Often stated as proof
- Careful. This is different than a determination of fact…something written is not a fact and is often interpreted by the employee. However, it is important to remember there is something documented.
O = Objectionable
- What was the trigger(s)?
- What caused the person to seek help—when the person decided to call for help…what happened?
- Clearly and concisely stated
- Briefly, repeat it back—it may be the only time the person has heard it or thought about it so clearly
R = Reaction
- What were the employee’s first actions after that? Did they file a report, seek a mentor, tell a friend, etc.
T = Thoughts
- Different than what is supportable, what does the employee think is happening?
- What does the employee think the other person(s) is doing, and why?
- What does the employee believe to be true, but does not have evidence?
E = Emotions
- Different than the immediate reaction and feelings, how does the employee feel now?
- Does the employee have a perspective for the other person’s emotions?
- Does the employee feel like there is no hope to resolve this conflict?
D = Desires
- Going back to when the employee brought this to you, what was that goal(s)?
- What does the employee want to happen now…even so quickly after having a chance to talk with you (catharsis)?
- What would make this person feel whole again?
- Moving past the point of the pain or concern, what is possible now from the employee’s perspective?
Finally, be careful not to decide too quickly about next steps unless you are certain what needs to happen and you have enough information. If you need time to reflect, say so by telling the employee they’ve given you a lot to think about, and you appreciate them sharing their perspective. Then tell them when you expect to get back to them, and check in to ensure they are in a good space for the intervening time.